i will be 31 in 4 days
my paternal grandmother is dying in a bed 40 miles away
i do not feel welcome to see her in
the last days of her life
let alone in the meeting after her death
i do not feel welcome by much of my blood family
why does intolerance have to run even blood deep?
my heart is breaking
as all my childhood illusions are being shattered
one sickness at a time

I need to unleash this
let my words run raw
naked bloody prints over the paper
bring it all up
have a cathartic spewing of ink on paper
but
I have blinded myself
& in doing so
silenced myself
lost myself
I am floating
& blind
&drowning
with a smile on my face
consuming my death
one breath at a time

*************

I feel good
being a freak
fast,
hard
music
alternative metal
media baby
I want to be your cyber idol
follow me down
I’m spinning
I’m spinning
I want everything
senseless wonder
it’s all good
defecate
differentiate
contemplate
throw it all away
I cannot see
I cannot see anything for all the static in the air
chaos
in nothing
intoxicated bliss
bleeding into cups
fading scars
weeping wounds
star-crossed lies
ivy laden lights
magical fish
pins & ink
huge black birds & gargoyles
pierced brain
satanic minister
blurred memories
blank gods
we stand
& weep
& worship
& sigh
hands held high in devoted ecstasy
the violence of being stagnant
the simple action of rocking
it all makes sense
we all go insane with the knowledge
& forget who we were supposed to be
& there are never enough drugs to make it all come back
weep & want not
for nothing is supposed to make sense
so crack the sun
and pour bleach into the sky
the white is blinding
& I long for the night
with the bats & clouds
& a menstruating full moon
& the knowledge of the ancients to feed myself
gather all that was forgotten
void
barcode
you are the antichrist all in 16 numbers & a simple slide
slick weight
good girl