Although it may seem that I am obsessed with working nights, I am actually not, I have been doing it for over 6 years so it is just my way of life now.
Friday evening when I woke up there was a cryptic message on the answering machine from the realty company that works for the landlord (so we don’t have to directly bother him). Anyway, they angrily grumbled something about calling them back about the lawn. So I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and look at the lawn for the first time in a week, and the weeds seem to be about knee length, and I panic. I had 10 minutes to get ready to leave for work and could not mow it then and had heard that it was going to rain all weekend.
Let me explain the source of the panic. Last week, the 50yr old plumbing in the shower snapped off in my hand and we had to call the fix-it-guy from the realty place to come and replace it. Well, he comes in and looks at my lesbian book collection and then at me with my shaved head and facial piercings and shakes his head in disgust. I guess he is not an open-minded fix-it-man. So since then there have been more phone calls from the office than we have received in 2 years. So I have been a little paranoid about being evicted, seeing that we have 5 dogs, and cannot afford to buy a house for ourselves right now. But that is a different rant for a different day.
This weekend, I saw to the solidification of my neighbors fear and consensus that I am actually a vampire. It has been building up, little things like me not getting the mail until after dark. Going out at night, (except if I have to work my doubles, and then I just run to my car because I am always late). Not going outside to get the dogs, I am just a bodiless voice calling them in from the darkened hallway, mainly because I am in my PJ’s, not because I fear the sun. The house is always closed up to block out the sun, I actually have black contact paper on my windows.
So it was 2100 Sunday night, by the time it stopped raining and I was actually home. I drag out my 100 year old human powered rotor lawn mower and try to push it through the wet grass. Of course the grass only wrapped itself around the rotor. So I did what any self-respecting lesbian would do, I pulled out my weed-whacker and set forth into the jungle that was my yard.
Part way through, I must have disturbed a flock of bird sized mosquitoes that decided to swoop down on me and drain me of all my blood. I break out into a sweat when I remember about the warning that they might carry the West Nile Virus so I continue to whack at the greenery with one hand, and swat at the bugs with the other. As I was doing this little dance, the nasty neighbor from next door pulls into her drive way. I see her get out of her car and stare at me. She moves slowly like I was Cujo or something. She kept her eyes on me as she reached in for her purse and clutched it to her chest. So I just stopped and stared back at her, revving my weed-whacker. She ran into the house.
The next morning I had to get up to rake and pull the weeds from the sidewalk. It was barely light out when the dogs had sufficiently licked my face enough to wake me. So I put on my sunglasses and joined them outside. I had only been out a little while and the sun just started to peek into the yard, but I was already getting a burn. So as the nasty neighbor creeped around the side of her house to get into her car, I said out loud to the dogs, “how can you stand the sun, it BURNS so”. She jumped into the car and tore out of there, leaving the cliché cloud of dust.
Now you must understand that I am not mean by nature, I just get provoked sometimes. She used to be nice to us, but once I shaved my head and actually looked like a dyke, she would not let her grandkids come over and play with the dogs and ignored me or shot me dirty looks, although I did not treat her any differently.
So now, I figure that I would rather be feared than scorned so she does not do something stupid like try and get me evicted, I am doing a fine job of that myself.
It turns out that the fix-it-guy had been at the landlords’ office next door mowing his lawn on Thursday and had asked about mowing our lawn, and Reet said “no, we do it”. Seems that the fine town of Watervliet decided to have its “beautification week” directly following a week of rain and 2 oppressively hot humid days. So everyone got a fine, not just our dear landlord. AND fix-it-guy was sent over to mow OUR lawn not the doctors. Instead he just reported back that we were supposed to do it.
Oh well, this lesbian vampire might be looking for other earth to sleep in during the day some time soon. I’m sure that nasty neighbor will be pleased.